Like a Japanese Racehorse

One thing I've noticed today is how lazy people are getting at parking their cars. This really doesn't have anything to do with my life at all but I'm a bit bothered that people are getting even more lackadaisical behind the wheel. I could understand a bad parking job if your car is on fire or if you see somebody handing out free quasadillas. However if all your doing is going to the bank or the dentist I don't really see why you need to park your car diagonally taking up 5 spaces. God demanded yellow lines for a reason. I think it's in Exodus somewhere. Somewhere my parents are shaking their heads wondering just how much money they spent sending me to religious schools when I don't even know what I'm talking about half the time and look dumbfounded when I'm asked biblical questions. Honestly that really thick book can be a tough read. But really all I want is a just God that demands respect for the rules of the road.

Okay I need to get back on track, and I don't want to scare myself. I have a feeling if I take the above ideas a little further I'd be waking up in a pit of fire and brimstone somewhere. People have connections. Republicans are in the White House you know.

Brushes sweat from brow. Damn you fingers on keyboard always getting me in trouble...

I finally made my way to see the Simpsons movie tonight. The move I've probably been waiting since kindergarten to see. Well no, that's not entirely true. In kindergarten I watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade six times. On betamax. I've been waiting to see this movie since they announced it last year, so that's somewhat of a buildup. So the movie didn't let down at all, it was great to see all these familiar characters on the large screen. However the screen itself was really something to marvel at. I saw it at the new movie theater at the mall. Maybe it's not new, maybe it's been around for a couple months but wow that theater was great. I almost didn't mind when they charged me $9.50 for admission. I was mesmerized by neon lights and new carpet.

I bought a soda for the movie, it only cost a shade under $6 but it came with free refills. That really doesn't say much, the sodas are so huge that getting free refills is about as necessary as buy one get one free bypass surgeries. Which is coincidental because after drinking the enormous sodas any doctor would recommend you for one. That and some various organ transplants. My soda was about 66 ounces, if you're not familiar that's just a bit over a half gallon. I mean it was only fifty cents more and twice the volume of the medium.

All this was hunky dory or so it seemed until about halfway home from the movie theater. I saw the movie in Ithaca, which in locational proportion from my current residence is somewhat like driving from here to Greenland, except in the direction that isn't Greenland's. So about halfway home from this long journey I was feeling that 66 ouncer, very badly. My bladder felt like it had ballooned to the size of a watermelon. The sad thing is that nothing is really open at 12:30 in the morning. Other than the bars, their bathrooms are always full. Plus if you go in there sober, it's either sickening or depressing. Usually it's both.

So here I am, a half gallon of coca-cola swimming through my body, and no place to go as I feel like a ticking time bomb. Even gas stations don't seem to have bathrooms these days. Maybe people kept running off with those enormous keychains. You know, the ones made from 18th century driftwood. Well finally I made it to the all night Dunkin Donuts by the interstate. Of course that means it's frequented by the interstate highway regulars. That doesn't even include the drunks that show up after midnight. They can be much stranger than the ones that are there at 4 in the afternoon. So I ran into the bathroom and kicked the homeless people out of the way and finally found my bladder freedom.

Once I was done I realized I was only a mile from home. If the soda had conquered my body a little more slowly I might have made it.

I'll never drink soda out of a cup the size of a garbage can again.