Who you gonna call?

Oh yeah, on Monday I washed my awesome expensive cell phone.

It's a total loss, it still has all the pretty buttons but will most likely never turn on again. It makes for a great paper weight.

No, I really wasn't smart enough to get the insurance.

I have my old school samsung phone again, same number. Plus it has the ghostbusters theme for my ringtone.

Did anybody realize that summer's 3 holidays pretty much use all the same decorations? Memorial day just turns right into the fourth of July and then people use the red white and blue decorations for Labor Day. Hey if you were really uninspired you could use them for a "very patriotic Halloween."

Corn chips may have a shelf life of 175 years if the bag isn't opened but be warned once that seal is broken those things won't last you 35 minutes.

I'm looking at you still pretty new bag of fritos! I want my two dollars back.

Back in Blog

So how long has it been this time? A month? Well maybe it was more like 26 days.


Well I don't know if I have any stories this week. It's not like I've gotten incredibly drunk and fallen off any playgrounds lately. I don't feel all that compelled to write lately, I blame it on spring, allergies, construction, and the fact that all my favorite TV shows are back on the air.

Is anybody bothered by Wendy's square hamburgers? I mean I know as a former Wendy's burger flipper that the burgers are square because at Wendy's, they don't cut corners. But does meat normally come in squares? Square cows? I just don't know if I can trust anybody that hands me food in exchange for money anymore.

Granted their burgers are the best fast food burgers around, because they were never frozen and weren't cooked a mere six hours before you ordered your sandwich.

Wow when did I start sounding like a commercial. People, don't listen to me, eat what you want. In fact don't eat hamburgers at all, I hear it's bad for the environment. Don't ask me how it just is.

PS. This post is for Justine, who begs me every day to write about the time that Tina's dog wandered into the store and made me jump a foot in the air out of suprise.

Namedropped.

Enjoy the Silence

So what was that 7, 11, 162 days since my last post?

Okay well I was right the first time with 7.

Seven is a great number, and a great movie. I mean not only is it a kick ass movie with a "head in a box!" but they spell it as Se7en.

Don't complain to me that I spoiled the ending of the movie. Yes there is a head in the box, don't act shocked after all the movie has been out for 13 years.

Now this post was never intended to be about Se7en, and it's awesomeness. I mean "head in a box!"

Okay I'm rambling.

I used the fabulous internet to buy myself a new car adapter for my ipod. And the verdict is, this charger is a piece of crap. It charges my ipod just fine, it transmits the music from my ipod just fine. However there's a really high pitched tone that plays over the music non-stop. As long as it's plugged in and the radio is on the station the high pitched squeel drones on.

I'm sure they use the same kind of high pitched awfulness to torture terrorists. I can't even enjoy music anymore. I hate this, give me a good ipod car adapter or give me death.

I mean Se7en. It's a number in a word! Genius!

It's Like Surround Sound, Except Awful

The car adapter for my ipod doesn't work anymore. Well it works, it just comes through in cruddy one channel sound. It's only ideal if you enjoy what sounds like somebody playing rythm guitar under water. Since I'm addicted to playing music while I drive, I'm really mourning this loss.

I feel like those idiots in that commercial. You know that one. It's for the Hyundai or Kia or some other Korean car and the people forget where to put gas into their car. Well that actually happened to me today. Nothing makes me feel more like an idiot like circling the gas station trying to figure how the hell to get gas in my car.

I'm actually going to miss President Bush, I so enjoy blaming things on him. Today I blamed the fact that I spent 3.45 a gallon on him. I mean I love blaming everything on this man. I'm out of orange juice? Blame President Bush. The batteries in my remote died? Blame President Bush. Can't find a parking spot? Blame Bush. Then I retaliate by saying, "If Gore won, remotes wouldn't even need batteries anymore."

The Pringles I bought today tasted nasty, however... what the hell was I doing buying Pringles?

I promised myself I'd write in here today. What's it been like two months? I casually look down at my previous post and yeah it's basically been two months. I really don't own any apologies if nobody really reads this right?

Well I should drink my soda before the ice cubes melt. Maybe later I'll rant about the people that call soda "pop" I mean that's hellishly ridiculous.

The Heart of Rock and Roll is Still Beating?

And from what I've seen I believe 'em.

I've been around for nearly 25 years. The Huey Lewis and the News song I just referenced is only five months younger than I am. Yet all these years I thought Huey said "The Heart of Rock and Roll is in Cleveland. And from What I've seen I believe 'em."

Am I the only one that was convinced he said Cleveland?

I guess so, otherwise Drew Carey would have made a big fuss about it.

It just makes sense though, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland. I just always thought that's what Huey was talking about. He mentions so many other cities in the song. It just troubles me that he wasn't talking about Cleveland. Not that I love Cleveland, I've been through there twice. Flown over it a few more times. The whole time I felt a bit of reverance toward it because I thought Huey said it had the heart of Rock and Roll.

It could have used the publicity too, because all it really has is Drew Carey, Joe Walsh and Little Richard.

So Rock and Roll has a beating heart? What the hell was Huey talking about? I want a new drug, one that won't make me sick.

So I become disillusioned just a little more.

x - hausted

I hate the times where I lay down with the best intentions of staying awake yet my body doesn't follow that guideline. I got a bit too comfortable and about 1.5 minutes into the season finale of Psych and next thing I knew my room was flooded with daylight and there was an infomercial on TV. Strangely enough my first thought was "isn't 8:30 AM a bit late in the day for an infomercial?" I thought for sure USA network had some Coach reruns left in the tank to intersperse between the Law and Order marathons. I was a bit disgusted that I had slept my friday night away. I was even more disgusted that I had three missed calls. I guess it's time to choose a ringtone that's even louder and more raucous than Led Zeppelin's Kashmir.

When I tell people I've slept for 10, 12 or 15 hours or so they always say "you must have needed it." I hate that, well of course I needed it, but I really hate sleeping my life away. I always feel like I'm one broken alarm clock away from becoming Rip Van Winkle.

The exhaust pipe is falling off my car. It's falling towards the front so it's currently dragging on the pavement. So not only is my car loud it also has the added sound of dragging metal. If you're no stranger to my car troubles you know what this means. It's the time where I beg my mother to let me borrow her '95 Chevy Lumina minivan. This didn't bother me as much in high school but even soccer moms are driving around in much classier vehicles these days.

Hopefully I'll be back on the road in my own car on Monday, as for now I'll be driving around listening to cassette tapes. Maybe I can dig out my '80s mixtapes to put a smile on my face. Because nothing looks more ridiculous than a man driving a minivan with a smile on his face.

At the store we're selling shamrocks to support MDA. You know the cool ones you write your name on and then they get stapled to the wall? Well one of my favorite past times is filling in the blank ones with made up names or names of washed up celebrities. Well half of the blank ones this year have an "X" marked in the box, so I've taken to adding "Malcom X" or "X-files,""Xena" and "X-Treme!" to the "X's" just to jazz things up a bit.

And I Know What You're Thinking

He waited 32 days to tell us this?

So I'm the King of Queens this afternoon and this show is really starting to bother me. It's not the writing, or the acting. It's the fact that the main character wears his delivery guy uniform around the house in every scene! Maybe it's in his contract, maybe he really drives a delivery truck. Maybe he doesn't have any other clothes, or maybe his wife has a uniform fetish. It's not right that this should be bothering me, but I've also been up since 5:30 AM.

Police On My Back

So now I officially have my first ticket of the year.

Now I know what you're thinking. We're only nine days into 2008. However it is true, I now have my first ticket since 2005. Of course I was naive to think an inspection sticker that expired last October would last me forever, but those three months were quite the run. Maybe the closest I've lived to a life on the edge. Here's to the memories, I did the unthinkable fifteen months with the same inspection sticker. Don't tell me that isn't an admirable feat.

Well now it looks like I will have to get up and actually get this car inspected. It's either that or collecting a nice stack of tickets.

I'm not sure what they're inspecting it for, it's a 2001 Dodge Stratus, there isn't much of a threat of it turning into a gigantic robot that spews a wrath of destruction.

Well at least I had license plates.

My Future Career as a Seat Filler

I'm pretty much tired of hearing about it but that pesky writer's strike is still going on. Since I only write blogs and the occasional drunken manifesto on restaurant napkins, this really doesn't affect me occupationally. Since I rarely watch new television shows this still really doesn't affect me.

However I think I've found a way to make this affect me. The Screen Actor's Guild announced that no nominated actors will attend the Golden Globes. Oh the humanity. If I can't see Carrot Top make his acceptance speech for winning best supporting actor in a drama or musical I may just slit my wrists. However the network has resolved that the show must go on! After aren't the Golden Globes just a 3 hour commercial for recently released movies that need some award buzz to earn that extra $3 million in the box office?

That means somebody has to be there to accept these awards. And if that means filling my shelves with useless Golden Globes then so be it! It's my mission to save humanity. If we lose the Golden Globes that means that we're one more boring awards program away from losing the Vibe Awards. I'll do anything I can to save the entertainment industry from falling down that slippery slope.

So I'm going to build a shelf bring my tux out of mothballs.

From the People Who Brought You Rock Band, Try "Marching Band"

Quick to the yellow pages, I've become addicted to Guitar Hero.

I've got blisters on me fingers!

I know what you're thinking, is it 2005? Well no, it's not but I have a long history of arriving to fads a bit late. I'm still wearing slap bracelets and parachute pants. I drink Tab while listening to cassette tapes. I use my Ronco Spray-on hair while watching the Chevy Chase Show.

Haha, that one's a joke. We know that nothing Ronco sells has gone out of style. I can rotisserie a mean fish that I caught with my pocket fisherman and gutted with my ginzu knife.

Life would be great if you could order things from 1986.

Anyways, back to Guitar Hero. I can push those buttons like a dream. It's amazing how 40 years of legendary songs are condensed into something you can play in five buttons rather than something crazy, like six strings. I can really jam out to those lines on a screen. Buttons and lines, buttons and lines! It's pure science. I can't sleep anymore because I'm picturing lines on a screen set to music made famous by Foghat.

Are there psychologists that can get the music and screen animations out of my head? I don't even know if the friendly neighborhood crack dealers can help at this point.

If I'm not cured by tomorrow maybe a home-style lobotomy can get the tunes of Poison, Foghat and Pat Benatar out of my head.

Do they still make yellow pages?

While You're At It Bring Me My Dignity

Sometimes I think I learn anything of educational value from television. There could be a University of Basic Cable and they could hand out diplomas. From commercials alone I believe I've learned enough to earn a Ph.D (I would do my doctoral dissertation on Geico ads but I'm sure professors have piles of those holding up their kitchen tables).

I watch so many of these commercials but I can't remember the last time I actually bought anything I've seen in a commercial. To me they're sheer entertainment. Case in point, Burger King, I haven't even eaten there this decade yet their commercials are irresistible. If only I could say the same about their food. Their latest comedic foibles poke fun at irate customers demanding whoppers, a sandwich of large proportions featuring you're entire suggested weekly allowance of meat followed by several heart attack friendly ingredients. In this clever ad the restaurant employees inform the gullible masses that they've done away with their classic whopper. This announcement incites riots among their customers, which in turn is filmed and placed into the advertisements.

In a clever twist, the whopper didn't really go anywhere. Burger King has stunned us all with a superb technique that comes from the age old tradition of hidden camera gags. Burger King just gets it's kicks from filming people go bananas over losing their beloved sandwich. But A-ha! Here it is, we've had it all along. Now that you're done crying, you can have your sandwich. And here's the best part, You're on TV!

If I ever start crying over lost food and wind up featured on television because of it that would just destroy my will to continue living.

I need to buy more books.

Obligatory New Years Post

You know you've reached that special level of sophistication when you are not the most drunk person in the room. I gladly enjoy having the honor of being the 9th drunkest person at the party last night. Ninth! Nine! Eight people were actually more intoxicated than I was. I was so proud to be able to stand on my own two feet. Nine! Ninth drunkest person! Now that's progress.

That's not to say that I didn't have my moments. I'm still learning the keys to moderation. I figured I would become less intoxicated if I made rum and cokes by putting the coke in before the rum, however one of my friends quipped that would be worse because now I won't even know how much rum I put in. Usually I put in one splash, and then I don't think that's enough, so I put in a second splash. Then something distracts me during my second splash. Since I can't remember whether that second splash was adequate I put in a third just to make sure.

And people wonder how I get drunk so fast. The answer is: stop letting me mix my own drinks! It's like I'm writing my own death certificate.

The fact that I didn't fall over or stumble into my own vomit is defintely the work of progress. Some things I still need to work on? Rum makes me curse like a sailor. I can't just walk around downtown saying "What the f*ck man?!" instead of saying hello. If I keep doing that they'll take my booze filled Poland Spring bottle away.

Okay, I'm not painting the prettiest picture here, I ran into many friends at the downtown festivities last night. Most of them I did great with lesser degrees of profanity.

Happy New Year. Or shall I say "What the f*ck man?!"