So now I officially have my first ticket of the year.
Now I know what you're thinking. We're only nine days into 2008. However it is true, I now have my first ticket since 2005. Of course I was naive to think an inspection sticker that expired last October would last me forever, but those three months were quite the run. Maybe the closest I've lived to a life on the edge. Here's to the memories, I did the unthinkable fifteen months with the same inspection sticker. Don't tell me that isn't an admirable feat.
Well now it looks like I will have to get up and actually get this car inspected. It's either that or collecting a nice stack of tickets.
I'm not sure what they're inspecting it for, it's a 2001 Dodge Stratus, there isn't much of a threat of it turning into a gigantic robot that spews a wrath of destruction.
Well at least I had license plates.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
My Future Career as a Seat Filler
I'm pretty much tired of hearing about it but that pesky writer's strike is still going on. Since I only write blogs and the occasional drunken manifesto on restaurant napkins, this really doesn't affect me occupationally. Since I rarely watch new television shows this still really doesn't affect me.
However I think I've found a way to make this affect me. The Screen Actor's Guild announced that no nominated actors will attend the Golden Globes. Oh the humanity. If I can't see Carrot Top make his acceptance speech for winning best supporting actor in a drama or musical I may just slit my wrists. However the network has resolved that the show must go on! After aren't the Golden Globes just a 3 hour commercial for recently released movies that need some award buzz to earn that extra $3 million in the box office?
That means somebody has to be there to accept these awards. And if that means filling my shelves with useless Golden Globes then so be it! It's my mission to save humanity. If we lose the Golden Globes that means that we're one more boring awards program away from losing the Vibe Awards. I'll do anything I can to save the entertainment industry from falling down that slippery slope.
So I'm going to build a shelf bring my tux out of mothballs.
However I think I've found a way to make this affect me. The Screen Actor's Guild announced that no nominated actors will attend the Golden Globes. Oh the humanity. If I can't see Carrot Top make his acceptance speech for winning best supporting actor in a drama or musical I may just slit my wrists. However the network has resolved that the show must go on! After aren't the Golden Globes just a 3 hour commercial for recently released movies that need some award buzz to earn that extra $3 million in the box office?
That means somebody has to be there to accept these awards. And if that means filling my shelves with useless Golden Globes then so be it! It's my mission to save humanity. If we lose the Golden Globes that means that we're one more boring awards program away from losing the Vibe Awards. I'll do anything I can to save the entertainment industry from falling down that slippery slope.
So I'm going to build a shelf bring my tux out of mothballs.
Friday, January 4, 2008
From the People Who Brought You Rock Band, Try "Marching Band"
Quick to the yellow pages, I've become addicted to Guitar Hero.
I've got blisters on me fingers!
I know what you're thinking, is it 2005? Well no, it's not but I have a long history of arriving to fads a bit late. I'm still wearing slap bracelets and parachute pants. I drink Tab while listening to cassette tapes. I use my Ronco Spray-on hair while watching the Chevy Chase Show.
Haha, that one's a joke. We know that nothing Ronco sells has gone out of style. I can rotisserie a mean fish that I caught with my pocket fisherman and gutted with my ginzu knife.
Life would be great if you could order things from 1986.
Anyways, back to Guitar Hero. I can push those buttons like a dream. It's amazing how 40 years of legendary songs are condensed into something you can play in five buttons rather than something crazy, like six strings. I can really jam out to those lines on a screen. Buttons and lines, buttons and lines! It's pure science. I can't sleep anymore because I'm picturing lines on a screen set to music made famous by Foghat.
Are there psychologists that can get the music and screen animations out of my head? I don't even know if the friendly neighborhood crack dealers can help at this point.
If I'm not cured by tomorrow maybe a home-style lobotomy can get the tunes of Poison, Foghat and Pat Benatar out of my head.
Do they still make yellow pages?
I've got blisters on me fingers!
I know what you're thinking, is it 2005? Well no, it's not but I have a long history of arriving to fads a bit late. I'm still wearing slap bracelets and parachute pants. I drink Tab while listening to cassette tapes. I use my Ronco Spray-on hair while watching the Chevy Chase Show.
Haha, that one's a joke. We know that nothing Ronco sells has gone out of style. I can rotisserie a mean fish that I caught with my pocket fisherman and gutted with my ginzu knife.
Life would be great if you could order things from 1986.
Anyways, back to Guitar Hero. I can push those buttons like a dream. It's amazing how 40 years of legendary songs are condensed into something you can play in five buttons rather than something crazy, like six strings. I can really jam out to those lines on a screen. Buttons and lines, buttons and lines! It's pure science. I can't sleep anymore because I'm picturing lines on a screen set to music made famous by Foghat.
Are there psychologists that can get the music and screen animations out of my head? I don't even know if the friendly neighborhood crack dealers can help at this point.
If I'm not cured by tomorrow maybe a home-style lobotomy can get the tunes of Poison, Foghat and Pat Benatar out of my head.
Do they still make yellow pages?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
While You're At It Bring Me My Dignity
Sometimes I think I learn anything of educational value from television. There could be a University of Basic Cable and they could hand out diplomas. From commercials alone I believe I've learned enough to earn a Ph.D (I would do my doctoral dissertation on Geico ads but I'm sure professors have piles of those holding up their kitchen tables).
I watch so many of these commercials but I can't remember the last time I actually bought anything I've seen in a commercial. To me they're sheer entertainment. Case in point, Burger King, I haven't even eaten there this decade yet their commercials are irresistible. If only I could say the same about their food. Their latest comedic foibles poke fun at irate customers demanding whoppers, a sandwich of large proportions featuring you're entire suggested weekly allowance of meat followed by several heart attack friendly ingredients. In this clever ad the restaurant employees inform the gullible masses that they've done away with their classic whopper. This announcement incites riots among their customers, which in turn is filmed and placed into the advertisements.
In a clever twist, the whopper didn't really go anywhere. Burger King has stunned us all with a superb technique that comes from the age old tradition of hidden camera gags. Burger King just gets it's kicks from filming people go bananas over losing their beloved sandwich. But A-ha! Here it is, we've had it all along. Now that you're done crying, you can have your sandwich. And here's the best part, You're on TV!
If I ever start crying over lost food and wind up featured on television because of it that would just destroy my will to continue living.
I need to buy more books.
I watch so many of these commercials but I can't remember the last time I actually bought anything I've seen in a commercial. To me they're sheer entertainment. Case in point, Burger King, I haven't even eaten there this decade yet their commercials are irresistible. If only I could say the same about their food. Their latest comedic foibles poke fun at irate customers demanding whoppers, a sandwich of large proportions featuring you're entire suggested weekly allowance of meat followed by several heart attack friendly ingredients. In this clever ad the restaurant employees inform the gullible masses that they've done away with their classic whopper. This announcement incites riots among their customers, which in turn is filmed and placed into the advertisements.
In a clever twist, the whopper didn't really go anywhere. Burger King has stunned us all with a superb technique that comes from the age old tradition of hidden camera gags. Burger King just gets it's kicks from filming people go bananas over losing their beloved sandwich. But A-ha! Here it is, we've had it all along. Now that you're done crying, you can have your sandwich. And here's the best part, You're on TV!
If I ever start crying over lost food and wind up featured on television because of it that would just destroy my will to continue living.
I need to buy more books.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Obligatory New Years Post
You know you've reached that special level of sophistication when you are not the most drunk person in the room. I gladly enjoy having the honor of being the 9th drunkest person at the party last night. Ninth! Nine! Eight people were actually more intoxicated than I was. I was so proud to be able to stand on my own two feet. Nine! Ninth drunkest person! Now that's progress.
That's not to say that I didn't have my moments. I'm still learning the keys to moderation. I figured I would become less intoxicated if I made rum and cokes by putting the coke in before the rum, however one of my friends quipped that would be worse because now I won't even know how much rum I put in. Usually I put in one splash, and then I don't think that's enough, so I put in a second splash. Then something distracts me during my second splash. Since I can't remember whether that second splash was adequate I put in a third just to make sure.
And people wonder how I get drunk so fast. The answer is: stop letting me mix my own drinks! It's like I'm writing my own death certificate.
The fact that I didn't fall over or stumble into my own vomit is defintely the work of progress. Some things I still need to work on? Rum makes me curse like a sailor. I can't just walk around downtown saying "What the f*ck man?!" instead of saying hello. If I keep doing that they'll take my booze filled Poland Spring bottle away.
Okay, I'm not painting the prettiest picture here, I ran into many friends at the downtown festivities last night. Most of them I did great with lesser degrees of profanity.
Happy New Year. Or shall I say "What the f*ck man?!"
That's not to say that I didn't have my moments. I'm still learning the keys to moderation. I figured I would become less intoxicated if I made rum and cokes by putting the coke in before the rum, however one of my friends quipped that would be worse because now I won't even know how much rum I put in. Usually I put in one splash, and then I don't think that's enough, so I put in a second splash. Then something distracts me during my second splash. Since I can't remember whether that second splash was adequate I put in a third just to make sure.
And people wonder how I get drunk so fast. The answer is: stop letting me mix my own drinks! It's like I'm writing my own death certificate.
The fact that I didn't fall over or stumble into my own vomit is defintely the work of progress. Some things I still need to work on? Rum makes me curse like a sailor. I can't just walk around downtown saying "What the f*ck man?!" instead of saying hello. If I keep doing that they'll take my booze filled Poland Spring bottle away.
Okay, I'm not painting the prettiest picture here, I ran into many friends at the downtown festivities last night. Most of them I did great with lesser degrees of profanity.
Happy New Year. Or shall I say "What the f*ck man?!"
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